Many people are able to hold grudges. Some are able to hold grudges for eternity. Other’s can only hold them for possibly one day, if that. A couple weekends ago I got in a fight with someone who I had held a grudge to once or twice before. This time was different. This person crossed the worst possible line. They told me something I could never forget. I would never have expected a close friend to say that. Well I dropped my grudge after a week. But suddenly whenever they said something that I didn’t agree with I secretly got pissed off. Why does one hold grudges? It honestly just stresses you out more. There’s a famous quote that goes “Forgive them even if they don’t deserve it, you deserve peace.” This quote has lots of meaning to it. If you really don’t care anymore what they do then forgive them. You don’t want to stress over it. There is one person in my life I might not ever be able to forgive. Or who knows, maybe I will. If you had a close friend and you did something to screw up your relationship wouldn’t you want them to forgive you? Although I have to admit I have cut people out after they have gone off on me, I just realize I don’t need them in my life anymore. Why would you be friends with someone who causes you so much stress. Sometimes it’s because you love them. Sometimes it’s because you’re afraid of making new friends. Afraid of the fact you might be alone if you cut them out. Over all there is always someone you don’t know about that cares about you. They might show up when you need someone the most. Don’t hold grudges. Decide if you need them in your life, then work it out, or cut them off. It’s simply that simple.
Over controlling=Rebellion
There are so many over controlling people out there. Many of us are under the power of one at this moment. It takes strength to get out from under them. Strength a lot of us fail to have. We are scared of them. Won’t stand up to them for what is right! Yet we still try our best to please them. Why do we do that? Try to please the most abusive people. Verbally abusive. Physically abusive. Even sexually abusive. Is it because, maybe if they’re happy then everyone else is? Because if they are in a sour mood they might yell at you. But somehow no matter how HARD you try. You can never fully please them. Maybe for a minute. The longest maybe a day. Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain? After you please them they always go back to controlling you. Everything you do. Almost like they control your breathing. You’re in the jail cell and they are the guards. Telling you what to do and what not to do. Why do they have to be in power? This world is run by power. There is always one bigger than the next. Yes it feels good to have control over a situation, but not a person. Thats wrong. So what if you gave this child life. Give them some freedom. I’ll tell you pieces of a story of how my “father figure” was controlling growing up. For as long as I could remember. My dad has always been controlling over me. I was homeschooled from the first grade. I still haven’t understood to this day why my father opposed us going to public or private school so much. Both my parents went to public schools growing up. Why not us? What changed their minds? My dad was very opposed to the way teenagers were dressing. I wasn’t allowed to wear skinny jeans or leggings. I wasnt allowed to wear shorts up past my knees. I wasn’t allowed to wear pants to church either, and no skirts above my knees. I wasn’t allowed to show much skin. I heard someone called me amish once at church because of that. I wasn’t allowed to have any social accounts and I definitely wasn’t allowed to have any boyfriends. Wasn’t allowed to have a phone or any electronic device. I finally got so fed up with my dad. His verbal abuse was too much for me. I wasn’t afraid to get into his face. I would cry if I did. But I still would be in front of his face. I started rebelling against his rules. I started being sneaky with my pants and skirts. I bought a pair of skinny jeans with my own money. When my dad found out he was furious. They wouldn’t let me have them. He said he would pay me the full amount for them. I didn’t want to give them to my parents but they took the pants anyways. At the time I worked for this lady by Montgomery General and got paid $40 a week to take care of her dogs. The 4th gen iPod touch had just come out. I wanted to get one so I could listen to music. Get a texting app to text who ever. Which at that time was not many people. I saved up my money and bought one. My parents outraged. They tried to take it. I wouldn’t let them. I was a very sneaky child. I had already had 1 boyfriend by that time. When I got into another relationship I made sure it was very secretive. But my parents still found out. On thanksgiving day that year my dad told me I wasn’t allowed to talk/text/call/hug my boyfriend. I was only allowed to see him at church. Which was not often at all because we went to different services. I rebelled even more. Of course I broke up with him. Like what was the point of having a boyfriend if I couldn’t even hug him? I became interested in a public schooler who was friends with Josh. I eventually dated him. He wasn’t scared of my dad. He wouldn’t care what my dad said to him. I felt awesome having some power for once. The power to say no. Eventually homeschooling my first year of 9th grade was so stressful and distracting I didn’t finish it. I quit. I told my parents I wasn’t going to do any more work. I literally told them to put me in public school or they would’ve gone to jail. My dad still has some control over me to this day. He is still very verbally abusive towards my family. Especially my mom. But I’ve learned to fight back. And how to end the pointless arguement. I’ve gotten inbetween so many fights between my dad and my siblings or mother. If you put too much control over a child. They are prone to lash out and rebel AGAINST you. Control freaks always loose in the end when it comes to controlling a person. Don’t listen to them if they say they will change. That is major bullshit. I’ve heard it way too many times. Nothing has changed. Also counseling. Controllers won’t listen to them. They won’t listen to anyone. They are ignorant pieces of shit. The End.
Mental Heath awareness week
It starts with the slow piano keys playing out into that song. The one that has the saddest story behind it. Songs are written by people that feel the same way as you. Their feelings. You relate to. I’m referring to Say Something by A Great Big World. That song has so many possible meanings to it. The music video is simply so depressing. First thing. Depression. Why do some humans treat it like its a joke. Depression is a very serious state. MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) is caused by many things including, faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems. Depression is a disease of the brain. It’s not something many people can control. There are antidepressants that are used to level out your mood changes. It isn’t supposed to make you happy 24/7 like some people believe. It does increase the risk of suicide in the people that have the most serious cases of depression. Some people take care of their depression by blaming everything on themselves and then cutting themselves. People look down on cutting and bully the teens that are struggling with self harm due to the depression. This causes them to have more thoughts of suicide and sometimes they actually try to kill themselves. It disgusts me. People with depression have the biggest trust issues. You may not realize them because some of them have became so good at hiding the pain. Hiding the tears. Yes cutting is a immature thing. But they don’t see that. They do it to call out for help even though they refuse to admit they need it. Depression is serious. Don’t be one to cause it. Next things. Anorexia. In case if none of you know what this is. “Many people with anorexia nervosa see themselves as overweight, even when they are starved or are clearly malnourished. Eating, food and weight control become obsessions. A person with anorexia nervosa typically weighs herself or himself repeatedly, portions food carefully, and eats only very small quantities of only certain foods.” It is also a disease. I don’t know why people have to judge these humans as crazy, ugly, or freaks. The value of them is not their looks or weights. But who they are. That means their personalities. This world is overcome by the perfect image, what your face looks like, the color of your skin, the size of his or her body. As its sung in one of my favorite songs “perfection is the disease of the nation.” Sorry if you are opposed to this post but its Mental health awareness week and I felt like I wanted to get it out there. I’m on antidepressants and they level out my mood enough to where I don’t have huge mood swings of depression. But I do still get depressed.
You think you know me
Friends. I’ve never had many friends due to my antisocial awkward life I had thanks to my parents. You can’t refuse to give your children social media if they are home schooled. That just makes them really lonely, and then when they do make friends they might be too “clingy” to them and end up losing the friends in the end. The loss of friends might cause some simple depression. I did not have any form of social media until I was around 13. I did not have a phone till the summer of 2 years ago. Not being able to have what the Average Teenager had made me start lying to my parents more often and it caused me to go behind their backs to get a iPod so I could text off that. When my brother started going to Public School 3 school years ago I started meeting people through. I considered them my friends but I quickly learned how harsh many teens are. I learned that some of them were willing to Back Stab, in order to get what they wanted. The amount of “shit talking” around me that was said to me and behind my back made me wonder why they would consider me their friend if they just talked crap. Turned out that they were almost all talking shit about me behind my back and when it got back to me I didn’t put up with it. I went back to being somewhat antisocial. I hung out with people much older than me because then I wouldn’t have to deal with the Immaturity of the high schoolers. When I started going to public school 2 school years ago. I was at first considered Punk or Emo, because I dressed in almost all black and I wore a lot of dark makeup. I met this girl in my art class that was pretty nice. I started becoming friends with her. She told me at first she was scared of me because of my appearance. I started hanging out with her a lot and I became part of her group. I felt like I finally might’ve found the group I belong with. I also became friends with this girl from my spanish class and became good friends with her and my friend from English which was another group I was part of but didn’t hangout with as much as the first group. Towards the middle of the second semester I heard that my friend from art and another girl from that group were talking about me behind my back in a class that I had a friend in. When I heard this I was crushed. I thought I had friends but it turned out they were just as fake as the other’s I met. Shortly after I learned that my other group of friends didn’t like my personality or how I acted. They didn’t even know me or what I was going through and they were so fast to judge me on my appearance. Never took the time to actually know me. Just abused the word friendship and turned it into hate. There has been 1 person that goes to my school that has been there the whole time. We weren’t always close but I have the best relationship with them now. I feel like I can tell them anything and they know they can tell me anything. Friends are overrated thanks to the backstabbing and the lies. Best Friends have relationships based fully off of trust and well knowing with honesty. I have one true best friend that has been there since I’ve met them. They know who they are. Many teens I feel go through the same issue. Friendship is a hard thing to keep if you’re going to talk crap behind their back. Be up front with them. If you don’t like something they did, confront them. Don’t complain about them behind their back. Do something about it. Society is a evil place. I try my best to make it through. It isn’t a crime to hangout with someone older than you. In my opinion older people are more fun to be around because they are more mature and you can hold a genuine conversation with them. There is less drama also. People are stupid if they believe rumors about their best friends. Confront them if you have heard something. Resolve issues before they ruin your friendships.
Religion/living up to expectations
This post may be a little depressing. Don’t read further if you don’t want to hear it. The last post was about me moving around. This post is about moving churches. My parents are Christian’s or they consider themselves that. I don’t have a view on religion right now. I once considered myself a Christian. But now I don’t because I got pushed away from it. When we first moved to Maryland we searched for a church. We visited one but my parent’s did not like that one. So we found this small secluded church in Mt. Airy. I had to wear full length skirts to this church. Everyone did. It was almost shameful to wear pants there. At least I felt that way the one time I did. There were a lot of homeschoolers there. I was still home schooled. Eventually the church ran out of money and it was going to be torn down. My parents started taking us to this church in Gaithersburg. This church basically looked like a public school the first time I walked in. I was a outcast. Still made to wear skirts or dresses pass my knees. Wasn’t allowed to wear make-up either. The people there were wearing skinny jeans tight shirts. “Normal” teenage clothes. I went to the middle school sunday classes. I made friends but I got a crush on middle school boys in the “popular group.” When I started talking to them I thought they were nice. They were spreading rumors behind my back. Every day for a week I would get on the computer and get cyberbullied. I would just fear going to church. When I was there I would almost cry because of all of them just staring at me. The “weird girl.” I started sneaking shorts or pants into the van and changing while on the way to church. My dad would throw a fit when he saw me get out of the van in pants or shorts. I didn’t care. I felt good. The fact that the people that bullied me called themselves Christians. What does that have to say about the beliefs of Christians. I thought that “only God could judge.” But no this church, this church was worse than public schools. The cliques. The drama. The bullying. I probably haven’t gone to church in months. But whenever I think of going I just think to myself. This church. The highly praised children. They aren’t worth going to face. Its sad. So sad. That they call themselves Christians. I’m not sure the real meaning of Christians but I know what they are, isn’t it. I changed a lot because of their bullying. My appearance and attitude. I’m sorry if you’re a Christian and you’re reading this. It was not made to offend anyone.
From my Birth
I was born in the De Witt Army Hospital in Fort Belvior, Virginia. I was born at 10:03 p.m. on February 19th 1997. I was born with dark blue eyes. They were dark blue at 2 1/2 months then at 12 months I had brown eyes. My dad was a nurse in the Navy. I was born to 4 siblings. Caleigh was the oldest. Then Barry, Rachel and Josh. My first word was da da at 5 1/2 months. I started singing at 7 1/2 months. On my 2nd birthday I sang happy birthday to myself because my brothers had been singing it all week to me. I loved singing all the time. Even if I didn’t know the words I would just sing along. I was a “Natural Mother” at 2 years old with my younger brother Benjamin. He was my constant baby to practice on. I couldn’t say Benjamin so I called him Beeja! When I was 9 1/2 months (Dec, ’97) I started wheezing and spent 6 hours in the ER to try to clear my lungs. At 10 1/2 months (Jan, ’98) I came down with bronchitis and was admitted to ICU for almost 2 days. I’ve had breathing problems my whole life. I sometimes use a inhaler. In 2000 my family moved to Wisconsin near Pleasant Prairie. I soon had 2 more brothers. First Nathan in 2000 and then Timothy in 2001. Timmy was born 2 days after 9-11. I don’t remember much about Wisconsin. I do remember we had a hill down our street that my siblings and I would climb every winter to sled down. There were burrs at the bottom of the hill and I would always come home with tons of them stuck in my hair. We also had this big field across from our house with a parking lot. That parking lot is where I learned how to ride a bike. My oldest sister Caleigh taught me that. Some nights I remembered looking outside and seeing coyotes in the field. It would scare me and give me nightmares sometimes. In 2006 we packed up everything and moved to Olney, Md. The Youngest (Abby) was born. I was around 9 at the time. I was homeschooled since the beginning. I wasn’t really sure what other schools were like. But I’ve lived in Maryland to this day.
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